Wherein I find peace

Last night and most of today I spent at church with T in a retreat for RCIA.  Have you ever been to a retreat?  The only kinds I have been to are church retreats.  Today we likened them to a shortened version of basic training without the exercise; lack of sleep, tears, strength coming out that you didn't know you had, realizations about yourself.

Background info:

I've been thinking lately about where my state of mind has been lately.  If you follow me on twitter you know the last week has been insane and I was pretty much a stressed out wreck.  But in looking back at the last couple of months I have realized that my heart is happy.  If you checked out my Happiness post from earlier in the week #10 states that "I am so very happy to be who I am."

I had a major emotional issue last September.  One that rocked me to my core.  I was questioning a friendship that I thought was solid.  I was open and honest and I caused a lot of pain in searching for truth, both my own and others.  There is part of me that knows things are forever changed - not necessarily in the way I wanted, but changed and resolved.

Before then I took most things in stride.  I prided myself on being strong, independent, and having things under control, but I wasn't an emotional person.  Crying is not something I do.  It is something I didn't think I could afford to do with T's traveling and all the regular, everyday stuff I do.  If I spent time having a breakdown, I felt that I lost my groove, my necessary flow of life.

So there's the background info.

What I realized last night was that allowing the release of these emotions and allowing them to continue while acknowledging the reason behind those emotions, I have been more relaxed and more content with   the way my life is.

I am happy with who I am.  I am a strong, disciplined, healthy, motivated, loving, kind person who is lucky to be surrounded by my supportive family and awesome friends who have my back - some of whom I will be meeting for the first time and running with in San Diego as part of Team In Training.

Do I still have issues? Heck yeah.  Of course I do.  But honestly the only thing I would change about my life is to be in a situation where I didn't have to stress over doctor and dentist bills.  Money doesn't solve problems, but I would like to have made better decisions and not be where we are now financially.  (We aren't in dire straits by any sense of the imagination, but some months are a little tighter than I care them to be.)

What's the saying?  The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Here's a quote from Nelson Mandela that was read at the retreat this weekend.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you."

The only person I ever shrunk from was myself.  I will not shrink from myself.  I am thankful to that horrible situation last September because it has allowed me to dwell in this new place - my happy place.  And I'm loving it here.