The Journey
At RCIA this week we had a discussion about what we liked and didn't like about our retreat last weekend. I think mentioned the retreat in passing, on twitter at least. I love trying to understand people. I always have. There was a point in my early college days that I thought I wanted to major in sociology or psychology because I love (like big-puffy-heart love) pondering the whys of someone. I have practiced on myself endlessly. So retreats to me are awesome on so many levels. You get to learn about people's stories and I get to tell some of mine. These stories that make up our lives are what make us who we are.
Little know fact. T and I broke up 8 months after we first dated. I went away to college and the long distance relationship at just barely 18 was too much for me. I admit that I allowed a friendship with someone else take T's place. I broke T's heart. I am not proud of myself. I was lonely and selfish. I have a vivid memory of being home at Christmas break and walking out of my parent's house behind T and asking him why I would be so lucky to find my "someone" at 18. It was a serious question. So many relationships don't last. Why me? We didn't start dating again until almost 20 months later, but we started dialogue again after about a year. The craziest part is that when we did finally get back together we were engaged less than 4 months later, but I knew that it was going to last and I didn't want to be with anyone else. I knew he needed me just as much as I needed him. There was a certain security in that knowledge.
I remember at one point after I moved back home to be with him after his mom passed. I don't remember how it came up but he essentially asked me if I regreted that time we weren't together. I didn't have to hesitate. My answer was "no". How could I regret that other relationship? How could I regret the time in my life were I was living on my own and supporting myself and, here's the kicker, I was happy, as a young, single woman going to college should be. I had time to learn about me, and I allowed myself the time to nurture ME without being in a relationship, or even wanting a relationship. During this time my parents celebrated their 25th anniversary which coincided with a family reunion. I remember at the anniversary party talking with my dad's mom, Granny. Granny told me she envied me that time on my own. She never lived on her own. She went from her parents' house to being married and living with my Gramps. Her comment reinforced the feeling that I was really okay on my own.
So why do I tell you all this? I do it because this is what I love about blogging. I love so much that I have "met" so many people that I call friends whom I have never been able to hug in person. I love that we can share our trials and tribulations and not be thought poorly of. I love that I am part of a group of ladies who sent over 300 emails the other night all the while laughing hysterically about random shit. I cannot wait until I get to hug each and every one of them when we finally meet.
But have you tried recently to explain the blogging world to a non-blogging person? They look at you like you're crazy. So for the most part I don't. I know that with our little endeavor of Team Shrinking Jeans it will be catching some attention and I may be outted, but maybe it will lower the stigma a little bit around blogging for those in my little community which is always about a decade behind the progressive curve.
So where was I going with this post? Oh yeah. If we could apply a little piece of this wonderful blogging community out into our communities, that sense of belonging, of caring for each other, of wanting to help and helping when it is needed, of reaching out and allowing someone to get close to us, what a wonderful world it would be.
This is what I thought of tonight at RCIA when we were asked if a close friend or family member decided to drastically change their life, would we be supportive? Would we support their belief in whatever calling they had? Would we think they were crazy? Would we wonder if and why they were leaving us behind? What occurred to me tonight was that T and I have done some "crazy" shit. For example, T left the Air Force without a job lined up and we moved from Texas to Idaho while I was six months pregnant with our second child. He left a job in the Air Force that was always going to be in high demand which meant HUGE re-enlistment bonuses. He left that same job in the Guard, again losing extra tax-free incentive pay, to do something different. (And I'm immensely grateful he followed his gut, but that is a story for another day.) I wondered sometimes if we were searching for something and what it was. When would we find it? We took many leaps of faith. The latest being moving back to Nevada. I never wanted to move back "home", but that was my pride talking. For me, I always felt that moving back to my hometown was admitting I couldn't hack it in the "real world." But when I allowed myself to appreciate all the good things that are here, namely family and some awesome friends, I didn't swallow that pride; I spit it out. I am stronger now than I ever thought possible. I have found that sometimes you have to recognize other's limitations and accept where they are in their own journey. That any self-imposed standards are only for me and those around me cannot be measured by the same standard. Everyone walks their own journey. Everyone's stories are different.
I was talking with a lady at RCIA who asked what my connection was to The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and Team In Training. Why was I taking this task to raise money for this organization? She had her own story to tell about lymphoma, but she wanted to know mine. I've been asked what IS my story. After mulling it over I realized it is a simple one. Yes, my life and my heart have been touched by those with various forms of cancer, but that is not the whole reason. The real reason is because I can. I can run a half marathon. I proved that to myself last October. But I can also raise thousands of dollars to help research. I can run in honor of those who have battled cancer. I can't take chemo or radiation for somone or undergo excruciating procedures for them. I can't be someone else's mother, daughter, or sister and watch my friend or family member endure the harming of the good cells in hopes of killing the bad. I can't do that for others. But I can run. And so I will.
My journey will continue. Wanna come along for the ride?
Little know fact. T and I broke up 8 months after we first dated. I went away to college and the long distance relationship at just barely 18 was too much for me. I admit that I allowed a friendship with someone else take T's place. I broke T's heart. I am not proud of myself. I was lonely and selfish. I have a vivid memory of being home at Christmas break and walking out of my parent's house behind T and asking him why I would be so lucky to find my "someone" at 18. It was a serious question. So many relationships don't last. Why me? We didn't start dating again until almost 20 months later, but we started dialogue again after about a year. The craziest part is that when we did finally get back together we were engaged less than 4 months later, but I knew that it was going to last and I didn't want to be with anyone else. I knew he needed me just as much as I needed him. There was a certain security in that knowledge.
I remember at one point after I moved back home to be with him after his mom passed. I don't remember how it came up but he essentially asked me if I regreted that time we weren't together. I didn't have to hesitate. My answer was "no". How could I regret that other relationship? How could I regret the time in my life were I was living on my own and supporting myself and, here's the kicker, I was happy, as a young, single woman going to college should be. I had time to learn about me, and I allowed myself the time to nurture ME without being in a relationship, or even wanting a relationship. During this time my parents celebrated their 25th anniversary which coincided with a family reunion. I remember at the anniversary party talking with my dad's mom, Granny. Granny told me she envied me that time on my own. She never lived on her own. She went from her parents' house to being married and living with my Gramps. Her comment reinforced the feeling that I was really okay on my own.
So why do I tell you all this? I do it because this is what I love about blogging. I love so much that I have "met" so many people that I call friends whom I have never been able to hug in person. I love that we can share our trials and tribulations and not be thought poorly of. I love that I am part of a group of ladies who sent over 300 emails the other night all the while laughing hysterically about random shit. I cannot wait until I get to hug each and every one of them when we finally meet.
But have you tried recently to explain the blogging world to a non-blogging person? They look at you like you're crazy. So for the most part I don't. I know that with our little endeavor of Team Shrinking Jeans it will be catching some attention and I may be outted, but maybe it will lower the stigma a little bit around blogging for those in my little community which is always about a decade behind the progressive curve.
So where was I going with this post? Oh yeah. If we could apply a little piece of this wonderful blogging community out into our communities, that sense of belonging, of caring for each other, of wanting to help and helping when it is needed, of reaching out and allowing someone to get close to us, what a wonderful world it would be.
This is what I thought of tonight at RCIA when we were asked if a close friend or family member decided to drastically change their life, would we be supportive? Would we support their belief in whatever calling they had? Would we think they were crazy? Would we wonder if and why they were leaving us behind? What occurred to me tonight was that T and I have done some "crazy" shit. For example, T left the Air Force without a job lined up and we moved from Texas to Idaho while I was six months pregnant with our second child. He left a job in the Air Force that was always going to be in high demand which meant HUGE re-enlistment bonuses. He left that same job in the Guard, again losing extra tax-free incentive pay, to do something different. (And I'm immensely grateful he followed his gut, but that is a story for another day.) I wondered sometimes if we were searching for something and what it was. When would we find it? We took many leaps of faith. The latest being moving back to Nevada. I never wanted to move back "home", but that was my pride talking. For me, I always felt that moving back to my hometown was admitting I couldn't hack it in the "real world." But when I allowed myself to appreciate all the good things that are here, namely family and some awesome friends, I didn't swallow that pride; I spit it out. I am stronger now than I ever thought possible. I have found that sometimes you have to recognize other's limitations and accept where they are in their own journey. That any self-imposed standards are only for me and those around me cannot be measured by the same standard. Everyone walks their own journey. Everyone's stories are different.
I was talking with a lady at RCIA who asked what my connection was to The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and Team In Training. Why was I taking this task to raise money for this organization? She had her own story to tell about lymphoma, but she wanted to know mine. I've been asked what IS my story. After mulling it over I realized it is a simple one. Yes, my life and my heart have been touched by those with various forms of cancer, but that is not the whole reason. The real reason is because I can. I can run a half marathon. I proved that to myself last October. But I can also raise thousands of dollars to help research. I can run in honor of those who have battled cancer. I can't take chemo or radiation for somone or undergo excruciating procedures for them. I can't be someone else's mother, daughter, or sister and watch my friend or family member endure the harming of the good cells in hopes of killing the bad. I can't do that for others. But I can run. And so I will.
My journey will continue. Wanna come along for the ride?
My T and I went through something vaguely similar, where we had to be a part for awhile in order to figure ourselves out first before we got back together. It was a painful time, a painful breakup; it didn't go the way either of us thought or hoped...but it ended up exponentially, astronomically better than either of us could have imagined. Our relationship and our marriage now are SO.MUCH.STRONGER. now that we have gone through that. As painful as it was, I don't regret one minute of it because it made us who we are now. And I love who & where we are now.
ReplyDeleteAlong the same lines, I wouldn't want to judge anyone for the choices they make, even when it's "crazy" or takes a leap of faith. Sometimes those decisions are the most important of our lives. The only thing I would be trying to figure out is the reason why they're making that choice. Do they do so because they're aiming for something better, or are they doing it to run away from themselves? But whatever the reason, healthy or unhealthy, I think our role is not to judge but to offer guidance and support, to cheer when it works, and to help pick up the pieces if it doesn't.
I think it's awesome that you're able to do this to help support this cause and I'm so happy for you that you've found a group of women who you can share this experience with. It sounds amazing and transformative. And you have such a big heart; we're all lucky to know such a loving and giving person as you!
OMG, I am crying while reading this post. Love it and love you- MWAH!!!!
ReplyDeleteYou're so very right about the importance of living/being alone, with yourself, your fears, your dreams, especially for young women.
ReplyDeleteAlso, yesterday was the year anniversary of a good friend's death from cancer. Thank you for running.