Mmm.
It has occurred to me that I haven't done a post with substance in a while. I used to put it all out there. Wear my heart on my sleeve. And I haven't lately. I think part of the issue is the fact that since all the craziness of the first half of this year, things have finally calmed down and I'm enjoying not thinking any more than I have to.
But there has been a lot going through my mind lately. Some of it not fit for the blog.
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I know I'm not the only one in this situation. And I've mentioned it before, I'm sure. I have friends with many different points of view. I'm actually in the minority among the people I hang out with that I'm a little left-leaning in comparison. And many times I go out of my way to *not* have certain conversations because I'm scared that their viewpoints will be so different than mine that I will have trouble overlooking those viewpoints. Well, now that I think about it, it's not the viewpoint that bothers me, it's how that viewpoint is expressed. I feel like I need to be diligent about expressing my opinions because I don't want to be rude to someone in trying to get my point across. I *love* that there can be differences of opinion expressed in a diplomatic way without attacking. Unfortunately I don't think others try like I do...or appreciate the differences. I had this happen within the last month with someone that I have so much respect for and love with all my heart. And I know there were some wounded feelings on their part because of what the perceived point of the conversation was. To me, it was an interesting point of consideration. To them, it was an attack. But my observation wasn't meant as such. And...it's not a conversation I wanted to have because I was fairly sure that I didn't want to go down that road - opening a can of worms. Because ultimately I support whatever decisions a person makes for their own life. I'm there to help in whatever way I can. Because I don't have to agree with you to support you.
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There are times I wonder why I craved motherhood so deeply. That sounds horrible. Completely and totally horrible. We've been having growing pains in our house. And I know it's all about them growing up and beginning to spread their wings. They are, by no means, ready to fly, but SmartyPants is realizing now that she *has* wings, and "hey, these are pretty cool! What can I do with them?" I have to admit it's hard for me to accept this. The fact that they are growing up. But, I also realize how much they still have to learn about being aware of those around them and being in the public's eye. And it breaks my heart when, at the tender age of 9, my girl can.not seem to understand or want to understand the words I tell her. I know I'm not supposed to compare, but me at 9? I don't remember thinking my parents didn't understand or that they were out to make my life miserable. That didn't start until I was bout 13 or 14. :) She's 9. I never understood how you can love someone so much that it hurts. But that is motherhood (maybe parenthood in general). I just hope that doing my best is the best for my girls. Because this gig? It's hard and exhausting - emotionally more so than physically. Give me lack of sleep with a newborn! *That* was the easy phase!
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I've been questioning whether or not the drugs I've been taking for almost two years now are affecting me negatively. I take them for my vertigo. I know I still need them because if for some reason I don't take it for a night or two in a row, I feel that sensation of things wanting to spin. If you've ever had vertigo you know that feeling. But I feel muted in my emotions. I think back to my memories and how clear and sharp they were when I was younger (younger = 3+ years ago). They aren't that clear now. I have to make a concerted effort to really look and enjoy things otherwise I have no recollection of them. Maybe that's just life with three kids at the ages they are. Life is moving so fast that I'm in a whirlwind and it's a blur. That makes me sad. I want to be able to look back at these years and remember them - the good and the bad. So as much as I'd like to get off the chronic drugs, I know I can't because then my focus would be on waiting for the world to spin - and that's a crappy way to live.
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T and work. He's back in school working towards his Master's. Because, you know, he didn't have enough on his plate. *smirk* But getting this degree will afford him more opportunities and actually do full time what he does for the guard. Granted it would be on a much larger scale, but he's good at it and enjoys the work. This has the opportunity of us moving out of country. Which fascinates me to no end. What a great opportunity for my girls! It would be pretty cool to be living on the same continent at Karena. And Jade posted something the other day that really made me think. And in conversation I questioned what my motives were on staying where we are. I questioned whether my need to stay in my hometown were selfish and really the best for my family. When there was distance between our family of five and the rest of the extended family, we seemed to be more in tune with each other and less pulled in different directions. (Usually the pulling is happily pulling, but pulling nonetheless.) Granted there is the whole logistics issue of our house would never sell in the local market for what we would need it to sell for - so it's kind of a moot point. It was fairly enlightening for me to realize this. Also my hometown is fairly small, which I big puffy heart *love*, but when you can't hang out with a group of friends because of crossing of lines and immaturity, it's just plain weird, and you can't get away from it.
*********************************************************************************
So there you have it. Snippets into my head. Maybe now that's it written down somewhere, my mind will be free to let it all go.
But there has been a lot going through my mind lately. Some of it not fit for the blog.
*************************************************************************
I know I'm not the only one in this situation. And I've mentioned it before, I'm sure. I have friends with many different points of view. I'm actually in the minority among the people I hang out with that I'm a little left-leaning in comparison. And many times I go out of my way to *not* have certain conversations because I'm scared that their viewpoints will be so different than mine that I will have trouble overlooking those viewpoints. Well, now that I think about it, it's not the viewpoint that bothers me, it's how that viewpoint is expressed. I feel like I need to be diligent about expressing my opinions because I don't want to be rude to someone in trying to get my point across. I *love* that there can be differences of opinion expressed in a diplomatic way without attacking. Unfortunately I don't think others try like I do...or appreciate the differences. I had this happen within the last month with someone that I have so much respect for and love with all my heart. And I know there were some wounded feelings on their part because of what the perceived point of the conversation was. To me, it was an interesting point of consideration. To them, it was an attack. But my observation wasn't meant as such. And...it's not a conversation I wanted to have because I was fairly sure that I didn't want to go down that road - opening a can of worms. Because ultimately I support whatever decisions a person makes for their own life. I'm there to help in whatever way I can. Because I don't have to agree with you to support you.
*******************************************************************************
There are times I wonder why I craved motherhood so deeply. That sounds horrible. Completely and totally horrible. We've been having growing pains in our house. And I know it's all about them growing up and beginning to spread their wings. They are, by no means, ready to fly, but SmartyPants is realizing now that she *has* wings, and "hey, these are pretty cool! What can I do with them?" I have to admit it's hard for me to accept this. The fact that they are growing up. But, I also realize how much they still have to learn about being aware of those around them and being in the public's eye. And it breaks my heart when, at the tender age of 9, my girl can.not seem to understand or want to understand the words I tell her. I know I'm not supposed to compare, but me at 9? I don't remember thinking my parents didn't understand or that they were out to make my life miserable. That didn't start until I was bout 13 or 14. :) She's 9. I never understood how you can love someone so much that it hurts. But that is motherhood (maybe parenthood in general). I just hope that doing my best is the best for my girls. Because this gig? It's hard and exhausting - emotionally more so than physically. Give me lack of sleep with a newborn! *That* was the easy phase!
*******************************************************************************
I've been questioning whether or not the drugs I've been taking for almost two years now are affecting me negatively. I take them for my vertigo. I know I still need them because if for some reason I don't take it for a night or two in a row, I feel that sensation of things wanting to spin. If you've ever had vertigo you know that feeling. But I feel muted in my emotions. I think back to my memories and how clear and sharp they were when I was younger (younger = 3+ years ago). They aren't that clear now. I have to make a concerted effort to really look and enjoy things otherwise I have no recollection of them. Maybe that's just life with three kids at the ages they are. Life is moving so fast that I'm in a whirlwind and it's a blur. That makes me sad. I want to be able to look back at these years and remember them - the good and the bad. So as much as I'd like to get off the chronic drugs, I know I can't because then my focus would be on waiting for the world to spin - and that's a crappy way to live.
*********************************************************************************
T and work. He's back in school working towards his Master's. Because, you know, he didn't have enough on his plate. *smirk* But getting this degree will afford him more opportunities and actually do full time what he does for the guard. Granted it would be on a much larger scale, but he's good at it and enjoys the work. This has the opportunity of us moving out of country. Which fascinates me to no end. What a great opportunity for my girls! It would be pretty cool to be living on the same continent at Karena. And Jade posted something the other day that really made me think. And in conversation I questioned what my motives were on staying where we are. I questioned whether my need to stay in my hometown were selfish and really the best for my family. When there was distance between our family of five and the rest of the extended family, we seemed to be more in tune with each other and less pulled in different directions. (Usually the pulling is happily pulling, but pulling nonetheless.) Granted there is the whole logistics issue of our house would never sell in the local market for what we would need it to sell for - so it's kind of a moot point. It was fairly enlightening for me to realize this. Also my hometown is fairly small, which I big puffy heart *love*, but when you can't hang out with a group of friends because of crossing of lines and immaturity, it's just plain weird, and you can't get away from it.
*********************************************************************************
So there you have it. Snippets into my head. Maybe now that's it written down somewhere, my mind will be free to let it all go.
That's really too bad about the drugs. Have you asked your doctor about whether there are alternatives? Maybe another type wouldn't have the side effects. Or ginger? I've heard there have been studies that say ginger relieves chronic vertigo.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure I totally follow your dilemma about being torn between staying for reasons you think may be selfish and moving for family. (Though no worries if you do need to be cryptic on this.) But, if it helps, I read something once that stayed with me. It basically said that it is incredibly important for mothers to take care of themselves because when you are in a good spot (calm, relaxed, open), you are much more capable of meeting your kids' needs. So taking care of yourself is an important prerequisite for being able to focus on and care for everyone else. When you're stressed and frazzled, that's when things slip.
The reference was talking specifically about mothers of newborns and how they need to take the time to sleep or shower or get 10 minutes to themselves in order to function properly. But I imagine it applies equally well throughout motherhood. It could be that being close to family gives you space to take care of yourself and reduce stress. Or maybe you can find that better on your own, when you have space from family.
It sounds like T's degree might offer a really wonderful opportunity! So even if the time isn't right now, it may fall in line when he finishes?
On disagreements, it occurs to me that maybe a reason why it's so difficult for others to hear differences of opinion is because a lot of people are really afraid of being wrong. (Heck, our school systems and society do a lot to really punish mistakes.) But that is a sad fear to have because if you're too afraid to be wrong, you'll never come up with anything original and you'll never open yourself up to opportunities to learn. That's a lot to give up.
I SO know how you feel on difference of opinions. I hate it when people only see things in terms of right or wrong.
ReplyDeleteYou have a lot going on in that head of yours!!!! I bet there is more.
ReplyDeleteWhere do I start?
Motherhood, of course. No, it's not horrible for thinking the way you do. I know you love your kids, you know it, they know it. Motherhood is one touch bitch to conquer and it is freakin' hard at times. It just is. You take the good, you take the bad, you take it al and there you have.... the FACTS of LIFE : ).
As for having differences of opinion- that's another difficult one. I think it's perfectly fine as long as both parties are respectful of each other's opinions and mature about the whole thing. Or maybe just stay away from that topic if it gets too heated or feelings hurt.
As for the vertigo drugs, I don't know what to tell you. have you talked to your doctor about it?
Wow. This was such a deep post.
ReplyDeleteI agree on the differing opinions part. I can totally support someone even when I don't agree with them and I wish we could agree to disagree without hurt feelings and its sad when those hurt feelings creep in and screw up relationships.
I don't want my kids to grow up. I'm scared. Worried. Will they love me as much as they do now? I'm already seeing evidence of attitude with my newly turned 6 yo and my 2 yo has a mind of her own already. But I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Being home (near family) is something I have craved my entire married life (going on 10 years this fall). And you know what I learned after moving here last fall? It's not all it's cracked up to be and if my husband wanted to move back to Minnesota I'd go. I never hated the area - just the brutal winters and missing my family. Now? I'd go back to have him come home at a decent hour and be part of our family again. He leaves at 6:00 AM and doesn't get home until after 6:00 PM and the 2 yo is in bed at 7:30. This breaks my heart. I can only wonder if we'd have been better off 1/2 a country away. Now I'll never know...
I admire you for having your viewpoints and beliefs in something, that is one part that I feel I lack in. Its not that I don't believe in things, but I'm not passionate about much. Like would risk my life or offend someone to defend my opinions. So I agree that its wonderful to have your beliefs and you don't have to agree with someone to support them.
ReplyDeleteHugs friend....you always have an open unjudging ear here!