random ponderings

Perspective.  I've acquired a lot of it over my life.  Wisdom comes with age, right? This last year has been full of perspective and enlightenment about myself.  Realizing things I didn't know.  Or more accurately didn't want to admit.  I hate being wrong.  I think most people do.  Having kids taught me that if I expected them to own up to their mistakes that I had to walk the walk.  When I mess up with them? I lose my temper, I forget to do something I said I would do, I do something that hurts their hearts?  I apologize.  Because they need to know that it's okay be human and make mistakes.  We all do.  And it's okay.  But be honest.

What I also hope to teach them...and I think the only way to teach is through action...is that you have to trust but you must do so carefully and wisely.  And you can't have the wisdom to be cautious until you've been hurt.  And the ones you least expect to hurt you are probably the ones who will.  And the ones you don't think care either way about might just be the loyal ones you truly can depend on.

It's an extremely hard lesson to learn.  One many adults still struggle with.  You want to believe people have good intentions.  You *want* to trust.  You *want* to believe.  And so you do.  And you say a silent prayer that the next person you let into your heart doesn't take advantage of that access.

I was told in counseling last fall that I have trust issues.  I *might* have laughed out loud at the statement. I looked her straight in the eye and responded "uhm...yeah."  I've had trust issues with people since college.  That is the first time I put up a wall to protect my heart.  And since I did that, I have not regretted it (until recently).  Have I let people in since then? Yes.  I have...but not without a lot of caution and time.  There is such fear in giving people the power to hurt you.  The counselor told me that if I didn't deal with that, then I would lead a very lonely life because I would never allow someone close enough to me to be intimate (and not sexually...get your mind out of the gutter.)  To feel bonded to someone is to not feel lonely.  Because in that bond that someone will support you and love you for who you are (and in theory, you'd return the favor), you will find a sense of peace.

I get that.  I really do.  But honestly?  It's hard to trust not only other people but also myself.  It's hard to be able to judge my relationships and wonder if they have ulterior motives or whether I was ever considered a friend.  So if I question my own trust in myself, then how do I trust others?

Now, this isn't to say that I question any decisions I've made.  This is a completely internal pondering as I deal with the fallout of the end of my marriage.

At times I find humor in what I see around me.  The craziness that is brought out in people when there is a perceived threat.  A twitter friend made the comment that this happens because people start to question their own relationships when they see one they didn't think would fail, fail.  And those people get defensive.  That there needs to be side-taking.  It takes two to tango.  Always has.  Always will.

But just because there is an end to a relationship, be it a marriage or a friendship, doesn't mean there has to be hatred.  Can't we just agree that it has ended and not be bitter?  Bitter does nothing for anyone.  Anger kills your soul.  Mourn the loss and move on.

I will trust again.  I know I will.  And it will scare me.  Scare me so completely.  But with age comes wisdom...and I believe that I am in a better place to speak my mind and demand what I deserve and not just being willing to accept what is offered.

I am worth it.