Exposed

So this is a hard post to write.  And I'm sure T is going to wonder why I won't buy a bikini after this post goes live.  

I've always been thin.  I had "chicken legs" when I was little, or so I was told.  But those chicken legs made it 5 miles when I was 5 or 6.  I have always had a pretty good self-esteem about my body.  I never cared much about how I looked in a swimsuit, but then again I never really had cause to be paranoid.  Even at my unhealthiest, I wasn't big.  I was the unhealthiest thin person you ever did see.  

I did sports in junior high.  My participation in organized sports stopped by my sophomore year.  The friends I hung out with were more fun than sports; and none of them participated.  I ate candy and Coke's for lunch and dinner, if I was working, was McDonald's.  So, yeah. I had a great diet in high school.  Looking back I am so thankful for my genetics.  Because I'm sure without being blessed with a thin frame and quick metabolism, I would have gained weight.  

The first time I became aware of not being happy with myself was probably my sophomore year of college.  I got invited out to the "beach" and by beach I mean Elephant Butte in Truth or Consequences, NM.  I had a swimsuit, but I hadn't put it on in a couple of years.  I was worried that my friends would notice that my thighs rubbed together.  No one but me seemed to notice! Imagine that!

Over the next few years I felt a yearning to get back to my running roots, but I was lazy, and running took time away from the fun.  To be perfectly honest, I was also scared.  I used to be able to go out and run 3 or so miles at the drop of a hat.  I didn't want to feel like I was struggling or that it was hard.  'Cuz you know someone might notice that I was out of shape and struggling and have mean thoughts about me as they drove by.  

This was my prevailing thought that kept me from getting exercise.  

Things sorta began to change after I had my oldest.  I started walking with a friend every afternoon while our same-age babies slept in their strollers.  We were walking 5 miles a day.  But when the weather got too hot (central Texas in summer - some of you know what that's about), we stopped.  And I took another exercise hiatus until 2 years later after I had the second bambino.  Which is when the weight didn't fall.  My Mother's Day present was a treadmill.  This is what I wanted.  I knew I needed to get my arse moving, but I didn't want to do it outside.  I didn't want to struggle with a double-stroller that I didn't have.  I didn't want to annoy my children by strapping them into a stroller.  

I started walking on the treadmill.  I was even scared to run on it in the beginning.  I didn't want to set the bar too high - so I put the bar on the ground and got on the treadmill.  This eventually led to my return to running. 

But even though I was healthier than ever before, I still looked at the extra skin on my tummy from pregnancy, the lopsided bewbs from nursing 2 (and then 3) kids, the thighs that will never, rightfully so, be back to their 13yo, non-rubbing state, I looked at all these imperfections of me and didn't want to showcase them for the public.  Yes, I wear more form-fitting clothes than before I was married.  As of Sunday I will complete my fourth half-marathon in a year.  I still do not feel confident to wear a bikini, much to T's chagrin.  

So what am I exposing? Well Mish over at Eating Journey posted a picture a year ago of herself highlighting the beauty of the different parts of her body and why her body is amazing.  She did it again this year. How brave and wonderful!!

So on Twitter the hashtag #exposed was going around amongst my friends.  One even pointed out that she didn't want to see my skinny butt which, even though she didn't use these words, would make her feel worse about herself.  (Love you, Brooke!)  But we all have our fat goggles.  Our society has imprinted us with this vision of perfection in the media that we all must try and emulate, especially women but men are not immune from the pressures either.  We are all beautiful.  Our bodies do amazing things for us.  The hope is that if we focus on the positives of what our body can do for us, then the "flaws" will be less prominent in our minds. 

So here goes nothing.  *deep breath*

(No, I'm not smiling. I can't smile at the camera when it's on a timer. It's impossible.)