Vulnerability

Being away from my normal environment this weekend at Fitbloggin' allowed my brain time to think and relax and be able to put coherent thoughts together. I miss feeling like I can voice my inner dialogue. It's true that there are some things that are too personal for me to share here but that doesn't mean that I can't spend some time thinking about the concept behind the issue and still share a piece of me.

I've watched some of my favorite loverly bloggers revamp their blogs and grow and evolve. I have been feeling like that's what I need to do. But the heart of this blog is my little corner on the world and my perspective. Life has felt overwhelming this year. Pinpointing why is hard. Yes, I have a lot on my plate. Yes, I'm a part-time working full-time mom to my girls who challenge me daily. But I wouldn't change my life for one second.

I adore my girls even though I want to strangle them some days. They are growing up so fast and some days I forget that they are these little people who have their own thoughts and perceptions. It's amazing to me they are so different and yet they all came from me and T.

And T. I am a lucky woman. Seriously. He adores me. He takes such good care of us. He spoils us by working his tail off so the girls and I can have the experiences that we want. He is kind and considerate and selfless more often than not. Because let's face it, no one is perfect especially me. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. There are days where I look at the clock and I can't believe that the day is gone and we've barely spent time together because of our schedules. But knowing that when I crawl into bed he will be there provides comfort. We've been together for 15 years now and we've grown as individuals and a couple. The storms we have weathered have made us stronger. Our individual experiences have also brought many new perspectives into the relationship. I believe that our experiences mold us into our future selves. The choices we make every day have the ability to stop us on a dime and change our direction 180 degrees. And that's not a bad thing. Change is good. It's inevitable and should be embraced.

My heart has grown over the past few years since I became a blog reader and now a blogger myself. I have met so many amazing people who opened their figurative (and literal) doors to me.

One of my favorite things about blogging is the diversity. The diversity of thoughts. I have "met" people who I wholeheartedly disagree with on certain topics. And thats okay. I've gained compassion and better learned how to formulate my own thoughts and ideas. For instance, when I read someone's words that causes a cringe-inducing reaction in opposition, before I leave a comment I need to ponder *why* I feel that way. Am I uneducated on the topic? Can I formulate my own ideas into coherent words. I have always been one to enjoy a good civil debate. I love differing point of views. What bothers me is when someone tells me I'm wrong "because I'm right" "my version of truth is the only real truth". I hate to break it to you, but the world is not black and white no matter how much we want it to be. It is definitely an array of gray. To be honest, I'm not sure how much true "black/white"ness actually exists.

There is nothing wrong with following your heart in many matters. The important thing to remember is that your words and actions can affect others and if the roles were reversed, how would you feel if someone of a differing viewpoint tried to assert control over your life?

Over the past couple years I have had experiences that have grounded me. Given me no choice but to be vulnerable. I'm not a vulnerable person. Well, that's not true. I am. But there is only so much that one person can take when you wear your heart on your sleeve. As a kid my heart was prominently displayed to all. When I was 19 I took the seam ripper and pulled it off my sleeve and tucked it firmly into the zippered inside pocket of my jacket. Blogging has allowed me to be less guarded, more vulnerable and it has paid off a hundred-fold. My heart is no longer hiding. It is definitely more visible to the world...but I reserve the right to tuck it away in situations. Just thought I'd warn you.

I'm 34 years old. That number sounds so young and naive even if I don't feel young and naive. I remember when I was a kid thinking that once I became an adult I would just "know" stuff. Have you heard that phrase about the more you learn the more you realize you don't know shit? Because it's true. I'm learning constantly. There is no status quo. There is no "normal." Life? It ebbs and flows. Every day babies are born. And every day people die. The joys and sorrows of life.

So what's the point of this long rambling post? Essentially it's telling you that I have mad love for the blogging world. I met fabulous people this past weekend and spent more time with those that I already love. I desperately needed this past weekend away. I was losing my "voice." I felt like I was losing me. I needed to be Kirsten. Not someone's mom, someone's daughter, someone's sister or someone's wife. But I got to be me. And I think that little light of mine? It's shining just a bit brighter than it had been before this weekend.




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