relationships
I've written a lot about my relationship with relationships. There's lots to know. But have you ever seemingly been hit with a doozy? One that you didn't know existed? And then, BAM! You're whole outlook sorta changes? The doozy can be good or the doozy can be bad.
I'm a writer in the sense that I come to understand things mainly about myself by writing, free writing a lot of the time. I used to journal. I have a stack of journals from college...and I only went for 2-1/2 years. (That's a whole 'nother story.) I stopped writing for most of high school because my words were compromised and that scared me. It scared me to not be able to trust and I stopped writing for probably 3 years.
I loved a good journaling book and a fine point pen that had a good flow of ink. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then you're missing out. There are pens that are just *meant* to be written with. They glide across the paper. Those are my favorites. But over the years, between marriage and kids, the time I had to write was limited. And when I did have the time, I wasn't "feeling" it.
In college I used to have a free afternoon during the week every semester. It's just how it happened. I would grab my journal, pen, and head out to a restaurant. I remember one afternoon going to the Olive Garden at about 2 o'clock. The lunch rush was gone and it was quiet. I think I spent 2-1/2 hours there. I ordered a late lunch and some iced tea and just sat and wrote. It was peaceful. I never tried to write inspirationally or stories or poetry or anything like that. I was just journaling my life. I still get a kick out of going back and reading my own words and being able to look back at them with an "older and wiser" perspective and give myself a little analyzing.
When I started blogging, that was my goal. A little piece of me dwelling outside of my head. But the inherent nature of the blog being public made me censor some things. Because as I've heard many different "big-name bloggers"talk about how they crossed a line and family and/or friends were hurt by the honesty displayed on their blog. So I've been careful. Granted there isn't a whole lot in my life that has required censorship. I've been thankful to have a relatively boring, drama-free life.
But sometimes you want an opinion on something. To know if you're thoughts are coherent or even justified. I'm a firm believer in the fact that everyone is entitled to feel their feelings and have them acknowledged. This is obviously easier in some situations than others. It depends on the topic and how close you are to the subject. How deeply you feel your feelings or the other person feels their feelings. The point is that sometimes you get so caught up in how *you* perceive something to be able to look at the situation rationally.
Which is what I love about friends you can trust. They love you enough to be honest and even support the feelings you have but also be able to ask the hard questions. Unfortunately, again, sometimes the blog is not the place for that.
The written word has power. I try to use it for good and not evil. I miss being able to get out my emotions and feelings honestly. I told ChristieO in a comment on this post that I'd love to take that trip with her. To be able to really feel life and my own self. I'm sure there would be lots of tears on my part. Introspection can be freeing which usually leads to tears for me. And talking with someone? It's not the same for me. Because I can't go back and see what words I chose to use and then find the irony, truth or even humor at a later point in time. You can't remember every word you say to someone, and therefore you can't go back and see why maybe the words you chose were received in a way you didn't mean to convey. Or that your word choice was dead on.
And sometimes you come to conclusions you never considered. And that can be painful. And make you question reality. And there in lies a choice. Maybe not really a choice, but an acknowledgement of the reality and what do with the newfound information.
I'm a writer in the sense that I come to understand things mainly about myself by writing, free writing a lot of the time. I used to journal. I have a stack of journals from college...and I only went for 2-1/2 years. (That's a whole 'nother story.) I stopped writing for most of high school because my words were compromised and that scared me. It scared me to not be able to trust and I stopped writing for probably 3 years.
I loved a good journaling book and a fine point pen that had a good flow of ink. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then you're missing out. There are pens that are just *meant* to be written with. They glide across the paper. Those are my favorites. But over the years, between marriage and kids, the time I had to write was limited. And when I did have the time, I wasn't "feeling" it.
In college I used to have a free afternoon during the week every semester. It's just how it happened. I would grab my journal, pen, and head out to a restaurant. I remember one afternoon going to the Olive Garden at about 2 o'clock. The lunch rush was gone and it was quiet. I think I spent 2-1/2 hours there. I ordered a late lunch and some iced tea and just sat and wrote. It was peaceful. I never tried to write inspirationally or stories or poetry or anything like that. I was just journaling my life. I still get a kick out of going back and reading my own words and being able to look back at them with an "older and wiser" perspective and give myself a little analyzing.
I always wanted one of those beautiful little desks.
A place to call mine. A little place where I can sit down and have quiet and write.
And then I had three kids.
But sometimes you want an opinion on something. To know if you're thoughts are coherent or even justified. I'm a firm believer in the fact that everyone is entitled to feel their feelings and have them acknowledged. This is obviously easier in some situations than others. It depends on the topic and how close you are to the subject. How deeply you feel your feelings or the other person feels their feelings. The point is that sometimes you get so caught up in how *you* perceive something to be able to look at the situation rationally.
Which is what I love about friends you can trust. They love you enough to be honest and even support the feelings you have but also be able to ask the hard questions. Unfortunately, again, sometimes the blog is not the place for that.
The written word has power. I try to use it for good and not evil. I miss being able to get out my emotions and feelings honestly. I told ChristieO in a comment on this post that I'd love to take that trip with her. To be able to really feel life and my own self. I'm sure there would be lots of tears on my part. Introspection can be freeing which usually leads to tears for me. And talking with someone? It's not the same for me. Because I can't go back and see what words I chose to use and then find the irony, truth or even humor at a later point in time. You can't remember every word you say to someone, and therefore you can't go back and see why maybe the words you chose were received in a way you didn't mean to convey. Or that your word choice was dead on.
And sometimes you come to conclusions you never considered. And that can be painful. And make you question reality. And there in lies a choice. Maybe not really a choice, but an acknowledgement of the reality and what do with the newfound information.
Tantalizing post....
ReplyDeleteI wish I could say "set yourself free and let it all spill out" but I know how hard/impossible that is. Unless maybe you set up an anonymous blog...
But maybe you could go back to journalling. Sometimes the process of just writing things down is all we need to find our answers and what people actually say in response is all just after-effect. Much appreciated, and often self-affirming, but we know our own answer anyway.
I'll give you my opinion, for free, too. Text/call me : ).
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written. Love you girl.
ReplyDelete