Fear, Uncertainty, Life and Self-Discovery

I've been wanting to write this post for a while now, but I'm not sure I was in a place to write it until now. Will I actually hit publish this time? If I don't, I guess you'll never know.  But I want to.  And it's complicated and not concise and I have so much to say.  But it's raw and honest.  Though I keep going back to this post I wrote after getting home from FitBloggin'11. And the last paragraph.

So what's the point of this long rambling post? Essentially it's telling you that I have mad love for the blogging world. I met fabulous people this past weekend and spent more time with those that I already love. I desperately needed this past weekend away. I was losing my "voice." I felt like I was losing me. I needed to be Kirsten. Not someone's mom, someone's daughter, someone's sister or someone's wife. But I got to be me. And I think that little light of mine? It's shining just a bit brighter than it had been before this weekend.


I keep coming back to this weekend in my life because it was life changing in so many ways.  And my life is changing, I believe, in the long run for the better.  With that said, T and I are getting a divorce.  Typing that makes me tear up.  This process has been extremely painful even though I was the one who actually filed the papers.  I refuse to get into the details in this public space.  For, as I keep telling the girls when they ask questions, the details are between us.  We were the only two in our marriage for 13+ years.  There were two people who made those vows and the details of how we got to this point are still between only us.  He is the father of my beautiful daughters.  I have spent 15+ years of my life with him.  I will always respect his privacy.  This post isn't about him.  It's about me.  


What's my point in telling you this?  To say thank you to my friends who have figuratively held my hand and sent hugs and listened to me while I sorted out what has been going on in my head.  One person who has helped me examine what has been in my head (and I bet she doesn't even know...'cuz I'm quiet like that) is Tara.  In her writings, her honesty, and her open heart, she has helped me realize (again) that no matter how painful it is, you *must* be honest with yourself.  You must acknowledge and allow yourself to feel your emotions.  


I had lost my voice.  But I thought I had lost it over the past couple of years when in reality I silenced myself over a decade ago.  *I* did that.  And it's only been in the past couple of years that I've started to find my voice again and begin to realize that I made the choice to be silent.  Owning the part I played has been critical to my self discoveries. 


In September I wrote this post.  I wrote it while on the plane headed for my solo mental health holiday in Chicago.  


What do I want from this year? I want to continue to honor myself and who I am, not only as defined by others in my life, but to honor who *I* am. To honor myself in this journey of life. To appreciate the good I have and accept the changes that life brings my way. To know that if I am being true to myself then whatever happens is supposed to happen. To fight for what is true to my heart. What is best for not only me but knowing if I honor myself that I will be in the best possible position to care for my family in the way they deserve to be cared for. 


I've had a lot of self-discovery this year.  I've been lucky to have an amazing friend who has figuratively walked by my side offering honest, and sometimes painful, observations through this journey which has lead to this point.  A friend who listened.  A friend who helped me see *me* through someone else's eyes.  A friend who gave me permission to listen to myself.  A friend who encouraged me to look at my situation from both sides.  A friend who told me not to forget the impact on my kids.  A friend who helped me on this journey of self-discovery.  A friend who knew when to just listen.  The love of a true friend who had nothing to gain from offering support and love through this process.  A truly selfless act of friendship.  Without this friend, it  might have been many more years before the lightbulb went off.  And I might not have been able to articulate it as well as I can now.  I am forever indebted to this friend for reminding me that I am important too.  You know who you are. 


I used to journal.  All the time.  I have been craving that outlet but I still fear putting that raw honesty outside of my head.  It's scary to be raw and honest out in broad daylight.  This week has been enlightening for me.  Even as I sit here with tears streaming down my face, I'm more at peace than I have been in a long time.  


A reason, a season, a lifetime.  


I am here, blogging, because of The Sisterhood.  Because of Jenny.  Because of Tracey.  These women in their own way, indirectly and directly influenced me.  


The Sisterhood (and every.single.one.of.those.ladies) helped me be accountable to treating myself right and allowing me the opportunity for my running become important to me.  They made me want to be better.  They allowed me the opportunity to help inspire a whole new batch of runners.  Fourteen of us ran/walked/wogged Rock N Roll San Diego together in June 2010 as part of Team in Training.  Getting to experience that with them was amazing.  Because of The Sisterhood I have met so many wonderful, amazing, inspiring-in-their-right, women and men who I can't express how much they mean to me.  #Insaneroadtrip (see any post between June 6 and July 7) was made possible by friendships made through The Sisterhood.  


Jenny inspired me long before I ever considered blogging.  Her strength during Allie's battle with leukemia left me awe.  She journaled daily...hers was the first "blog" I ever read.   She writes from the heart but in such a way that you feel like you've known her forever.  I've never met her.  I hope to one day as she continues to inspire me with her strength as she forges ahead in her current reality.  (She's also the mother of three beautiful girls - we are a special bunch. :) 


Tracey has inspired me and made me think over the years.  Her eloquence and sometimes brutal honesty always left me with something to ponder.  Granted I think we are usually on the same page in ideology.  Her writing has always left me nodding in agreement because I wish I could write and formulate my thoughts as well as she does.  (She also has enough college education to make up for my lack of any degrees...so that probably has something to do with it.)  She has a sense of integrity that makes me want to be the best at whatever I do.  She raises the standard of what I expect from myself and others.  


I'm sure you've heard the saying that people come into your life for a reason, a season, a lifetime.  I pray that those who have been in my life over the last couple of years are there for a lifetime.  I know they've all come into my life for a reason.  I am in the midst of a season with them.  But each and every one of them have amazing qualities that has added something to my life.  A different perspective.  A different point of view.  A different opinion.  The blogging world has afforded me the opportunity to listen and learn from others.  Perspective is an amazing thing.  It helps you crawl out of your own head and see reality, life and all it entails.  My blogging friends have directly and indirectly helped me find myself.  And for that I am forever grateful.  I wish I could hug each one of them, look them in the eyes, and say "Thank You!"  


My journey


So my journey.  This next road to be taken.  It's not going to be easy.  But I know it's the right one.  I have started to find myself.  In writing this post I have exposed her, brought her to the surface.  Yesterday I couldn't wipe the smile off my face.  I felt happy and peaceful and just content.  I like who I am.  I like who I was many years ago.  It makes me incredibly sad that my marriage couldn't weather this next evolution of my life.  I believe we, as humans, are always evolving and changing.  Change is not something to be feared.  It's something to be embraced.  Something to be anticipated.  We are in the heart of the holiday season, a time in which we all anticipate something be it the presents under the tree or the celebration of our faith.  Anticipation.  I'm looking at the road ahead with anticipation of what my future will hold.  As little as six months ago I never imagined I would be where I am today.  And no matter how painful and how many tears have been shed in the process, I understand *ME* more than ever before. For that I am eternally grateful.  It is through self discovery that we gain ownership of our personal journeys.