Control

When I was a kid I knew I had very little control over my world.  My family moved about every two years starting when I was just 6 weeks old until I turned 11.  It was just how our life was.  The hardest move was when I was 7.  That was the first time I remember being sad because I left friends behind.  I was always content to let others have control...less for me to worry about.  :) "Where do you want to eat lunch?" Wherever.  "What movie do you want to watch?" I don't know, whatever you want to. 

Part of it had to do with my people pleaser personality.  I didn't want to make the decision and have whomever end up hating my choice.  I was happy to just be hanging with my friends/family. 

When I started working at a job where I received an actual paycheck (McDonald's, if your curious), I remember seeing other high schoolers work their way up the ladder..to the point where a couple of seniors were shift managers.  I wanted nothign to do with that.  I didn't want that control.  I wanted to be a peon.  :)

When I got married, I was content to go wherever his job/career path took us. 

Being pregnant was the first time I took control over me.  And I got flack for it, but I didn't care.  My body, back the eff off. 

But then having kids taught me how little control I really have.  I was *that* person that didn't understand why parents couldn't seem to get their kids to behave in public....until I had a 2yo and 4yo running amok through Old Navy on the busiest back to school shopping day of that year.  "Oh, Kirsten." I said to myself.  "It's not about you.  They are little people with their own personalities.  I got it." 

And I did.  I love (not really) when my kids say "you can't make me!"  Because I know they're right.  I can't physically make them do anything.  I have to either use my mommy powers to explain *why* they should do what I'm asking or let it go and let them deal with the consequences. 

Another time of acceptance of loss of control is when I found out my mom had breast cancer. There is only so much you can do for someone going through chemo and radiation. You pray the treatments work. I feel fortunate that my mom is a 9-year survivor.

The last nine months have shown me the yin and yang of control.  (Which one is the positive and which is the negative? Or is it just about balance? I never know).  Anyway...I realized that I needed to take control over me and I did that.  But I also know that I have zero control over what others do.  I still can't *make* anyone do anything.  It's that whole free will shit.  And we are human, so there are emotions which include fear and hate and love and kindness and spite and animosity and gentleness and caring.  And to the extent in which we allow our emotions to cloud our judgement is a personal thing.  It stems from our path(s) we've traveled over the years. 

Do I have my moments of lack of clarity which can cloud my own judgement? Hell yes.  Last time I checked I was human.  But I try very hard to keep those emotions away from the person I'm feeling them towards...because I have begun to *thrive* on being rational and logical.  I want to be the person that can feel my emotions but not let them overtake me.  I own my feelings and emotions. I take responsibility for them. But I also know that they are emotions and that if my blood pressure is skyrocketing then I'm in no place to respond or make a decision.

I feel so lucky and blessed to have friends in my life that are by my side 100%. Ones who will tell me "Hey, Kirsten! Thats not ok". Or "dude, totally not your fault." I try my damnedest to be that same kind of friend. And it's harder to watch a friend be in a situation where reality of fear overcomes them and your friend realizes how little control they have. But I will always put on my friend hat and help in anyway I can. And sometimes that means just listening. Being a shoulder to cry on. Letting that friend know that someone cares.

Control. The only one we can control is ourself. So can you all do this girl a favor? Think before you act. Remember that the other side is human too. Remember to be kind. Even if you have a differing opinion. Be kind. Please. The world is so filled with ugly...don't go out of your way to make it worse.

Please.